I turn myself over in bed with my eyes slowly rising. A blurry view of an old wooden chair, with a fluffy stuffed animal on top of it is the first thing I see. I wish it wasn’t. You’d think a nostalgic sight would prompt the feeling of sugar in bitter lemonade. But my eyes only became hollow. In a way still that bear was the only rest from my tainted dreams that I could find. It wasn’t mine. It wasn’t stolen but sometimes it felt like it.
His parents dropped it off. In their broken English, they basically said “You can have this stupid bear.” How thoughtful. Despite their usual tipsy style, their reasons were see-through. We had a birthday a few days apart, it only made sense to celebrate on the same day. We both got these teddy bears, adorable for the time. There was no real reason for these bears to become some symbol for our friendship like the way they did. It was just that day we really became best friends. Not just neighbors who hung out so that our parents could share stories from their countries. We cherished this thought until it became our only sweet thought going into adulthood. This bear was in my possession now. A sadder way to see the bear though.
I don’t even remember how long ago his funeral was. I didn’t once look at the body in the coffin, I couldn’t bring myself to. In a strange way I didn’t want him to see me. That day would lead to many more where I just kinda short circuited. I wasn’t in some hysterical daze for days. I wouldn’t even let myself see me cry. I’ve only ever cried truly once in my life. The families of emotions from that night to the funeral collided to make a fire inside of me. My heart melted into acid rain just to make sure I was nothing but ash. He always had to remind me to take care of myself. He came from the same background so he knew the consequences of that type of culture. I almost challenged it with him.
I realized I was swimming through too many pools of memories. I had to get dressed, I still had school. I couldn’t dress like I was depressed though, It’s a part of my character to have a poker face. And only one person could take me out of character. Something was just hard about pulling through on just simple tasks. It felt like I was running in circles around my room, and I was standing still at the same time. My head just had these long thoughts that consumed me.
With no other relief I focused on the bear in the corner of the room. I crouched down in front of it. In strange times childhood toys were my craving for meaning. For a second, I thought it started to whisper..
With a loud bang I heard a “Get Down! School is soon!” From my tired mamá
My papá was out working at some retail store. My mamá, a housewife though, quickly chirped to me going out the door as she was cooking, “Adios, hijo.”
I walked to school, with a numb head. Sore eyes carrying my soul. No matter what, my own little world ran on predictability. Everything I saw, everything I touched was grey, not because of him though this was always my programming. He actually brought colors to the sun. He always wanted to make sure I let myself be seen not just by eyes but minds. Such a kind soul. It’s unfortunate I couldn’t keep hold of his teachings. It’s too scary to though.
For the first day in my life, I wanted to skip school. My dreams were broken and rebuilt to get the American dream my parents were promised. Every day I craved the token role. I started as a bitter child but at some point it just became machines and dissociation until I agreed. But the difference now though is I don’t have him. I was the teacher’s favorite, but I always adored him for his will to unplug the machine. He kept me more or less well-rounded. That’s why I regret how things went down that night.
I started to walk faster, I couldn’t be late. If I’m late that will just be the start of my life deteriorating. I managed to hold my pieces together until something catches my eye. A ring. A ring being given to someone. it shined even through the sunny day. It shined even through the crystal tears. The joyful crystal tears. Smiles and tears. I had a manufactured repulsed feeling watching them. Watching them was like being stabbed in the back by my least favorite father.
Bitter thoughts didn’t stop when I reached the school parking lot. Right on time, the students are going inside now. I turned myself off at that point. I didn’t think the day wasn’t worth remembering, and it wasn’t worth the time. I could have snapped any minute if I used all of my little energy too soon. I hid around for the past few months, but I didn’t want them to see through my heart so I started to make more appearances. I was still always zoned out, I came off autopilot when I got the typical condolences from the people that knew I was best friends with him.
None of them were real friends though. So the silence was really loud when people came up to me.after a long list of people who were kinda acquaintances, the closest person I could say was my friend was my ex-girlfriend.We don’t talk much cause we weren’t ready to remember why we left the other, but we never lost respect. She was the type of person to be that old friend that’s always down to drink a beer on the colder nights. To bask in being complicated, because being bad brought less stress. So we did just that.
She noticed I was sitting alone at lunch. We hadn’t talked for a few weeks but she took a risk and grabbed my hand and pulled me over outside. She wouldn’t budge me on skipping until she said something. Something that he said whenever I needed a push to take a risk. “You’re living the worst life right now, and you only live once.” So I made the hard decision to simply follow her.
I covered up for myself and told my mother I was gonna be out studying after school. I wasn’t fully lying. I was studying a new way of life. For once my ears didn’t ring through the silence forever. She and I took a moment to be the opposite of ourselves. She saw I lost that spark to be in the moment so she handed me the devils key, and we played like fire was an enchanting toy.
After a while we just sat down on an old dirty sidewalk and looked up. There became this period of silence where she breaks it and goes “Have you accepted it yet?”
I gave a breathy, defeated, “Probably.. never will..” She said so few words in that moment but that simple question was ready to put me in the hysterical daze I fought so hard to push back on.
I walked back home, I took many intoxicated breaths. I was alone, but not a lonely alone. The alone where it’s necessary cause you’re on the verge of something. In my grey home it was pitch black. But I was bright. I felt like I was opened. I felt like Pandora’s box. The evils just being the emotions I demonized for so long. I was in a grey world but I was a raging flower now.
I didn’t get home too late but my parents were already asleep. My only eyecatcher in my room was still the bear in the corner. I cried for the second time in my life at that moment. The power of desperation overtook me and I broke character. I sobbed into the bear’s shirt holding onto it.
But it held on to me as well.. I looked up and the stitching on the mouth seemed looser. I was entranced by its seamless transformation from a medium sized plush to my size. I didn’t care about any lasting reality. I wasn’t scared. It whispered sweet nothings to me. It whispered like him. It felt like him. So it had to be him. I just wanted him back. Despite the difficulties, I just wanted him back now. I could still only shed bittersweet tears because of how it ended. I threw away my own key and still searched for it.
The bear kept growing, and adapting. Now it was a hybrid of the bear and him. It stood over me. Held me by the face and simply said
“So what’s the answer to my question?” It or he said in another breath, “You never answered…”
It went by in lightning flashes, what I call the ‘hybrid’. It was him. I swear. He was upset with me. I didn’t blame him. He left my home and just walked straight. I was at my breaking point so held me tighter so that i didn’t fall apart.I murmured again, and again, “I’m sorry for this,I’m sorry.” Despite my eyes blurred with tears I recognized enough that we were in a cemetery. The cemetery with his grave, and as my tears started to dry up, I saw it.
I was laid on the grave, with just one hand pushed into it. I couldn’t move. He screamed through loose threads. “Why did it end like that? that night? The night you killed me.”
The night time playground setting blasted into my head. The repeated motion of the car hitting him lives on. He had just turned around swiftly to my abrupt “Wait.”. He was walking away from me, he couldn’t face anything again, so he just looked straight down. He asked me a question. It wasn’t my answer that hurt. The eyes are the one thing you can’t control. He saw my answer, and he saw the cliche why. His realization was the first time I cried.
My voice was starting to wither, the rasp very prominent, I still spoke up. All the things I should’ve said
“You’re spirit I stole. But I just took your heart like that. .I saw you run but I hesitated. Just like I hesitated to answer your question. “Will you go with me” I presented as grown but you saw in my eyes.Terror. The eyes of what we were. Children. I was a child that wanted to go with you though. And you knew that and that’s why it hurt. You stole your own freedom back and were about to share that with me. So that I could be like you. With you. And we conquer wherever we went. But I couldn’t conquer myself. I couldn;t bring myself to cry over another man let alone stand next to forever with one. I looked at the ones that made it with disgust. The ones with their rings, they got out of walls and bridges put up. But I was halfway there, but I got caught in the vines on the wall and let go. I know you’re tired of holding out your hand.”
I realized I wasn’t being crushed to my doomsday anymore. I was just a defeated body over my wanted defeated body. The hybrid rests in my hands. The hybrid is just my own childhood bear that I neglected these past few weeks, now. I grasp it onto my lap and hold it into my chest.
I looked up to the tombstone right in front of me engraved “R.I.P Azúcar Quijada” I whispered into my bear’s.ear“Today I am now Amargo Quijada.” I paused and with my bittersweet smile I placed my hand on Azúcar’s name. I had to say one last thing to move on.. ‘Today I finally accepted it. This feeling. So yes I will marry you.”